May Competition Winners 2015

‘Write a comedy script for a sketch in 3 pages.’

Chesil Theatre: Mary Mitchell & Norma York
Chesil Theatre: Mary Mitchell & Norma York

The winning entry was performed by members of the Chesil Theatre Group.

Cecily O’Neill, a renowned authority in Drama in Education was the adjudicator for the May competition. Cecily has worked with students, teachers, directors, and actors throughout the world; leading drama workshops, speaking at conferences, and carrying out research. She said that the task of writing a comedy script was a particularly difficult one but the Hampshire Writers had risen to the challenge.

Cecily’s Adjudication:

1st Place: Paul King, PTFE

“You have taken a typical comedy format, where one actor is the straight man and the other delivers the funny lines. But within this framework you’ve cleverly subverted the stereotype of the elderly countrywoman and created an amusing sketch.”

2nd Place: David Lea, Taking Stock

“Within the tight three-page limit of the brief you managed to draw us into the concerns of the young couple and you achieved this as much by what was left unsaid as by the dialogue. You have allowed the comedy to develop gradually and provided an effective and believable denouement.”

3rd Place: Nikki Wakefield, Coming Out

“This sketch is full of lively dialogue and comic misunderstandings. The gradual build up of frustration is very well handled, and the cheerful acceptance by the parents of their son’s unorthodox lifestyle provides an unexpected and pleasing conclusion.”

Paul King & Nikki Wakefield
Paul King & Nikki Wakefield

Highly Commended: Karin Groves, Billy the Banker

“An amusing and topical take on the economy. A comedy of contrasts as 10 year old Billy demands to be taken seriously.”

Highly Commended: Celia Livesey, Three’s a Crowd

“The relationship of the sisters is clearly displayed in the subtle insults they exchange at their mother’s funeral. They get their come-uppance in a surprise ending.”


The prizes were signed copies of David Nobbs’s books and a Certificate of Adjudication from Cecily O’Neill. The winning entry was performed by Mary Mitchell and Norma York of the Chesil Theatre Group, much to the delight of the audience.


1st Place: PTFE – Copyright © Paul King, 2015

On stage – two ‘older women. They speak with slow, west-country accents. Throughout the scene, using a tea set and plates: tea is poured, stirred and drunk: biscuits and cakes are offered, taken and eaten. Music to top and tail the sketch; something English and rural, like the older version of the ‘Archers’ theme for example.

Music to establish the scene then it fades.

Woman 1: Cup’a’tea?

Woman 2: Don’t mind if I do.

Woman 1: Biscuit?

Woman 2: Don’t mind if I do. (Pause) P.T.F.E!

Woman 1: They be ginger nuts, baked ‘em myself.

Woman 2: No! … P.T.F.E!!!

Woman 1: What?

Woman 2: It’s the black stuff on the bottom of your frying pan.

Woman 1: There b’aint be no black stuff on the bottom of my frying pan thank you very much! I use they Brillo pads.

Woman 2: No, it’s s’posed to be there.

Woman 1: Well it might be s’posed to be on the bottom of yourn but it’s not s’posed to be on the bottom of mine.

Woman 2: No, it’s the non-sticky stuff.

Woman 1: Definitely not my pans!

Woman 2: No… it’s on all of ‘em!

Woman 1: I bet the Vim gets it off; that’ll shift anything.

Woman 2: It’s compulsory: if you got a frying pan you’ve got to have the PTFE. They do call it a ‘non … stick … coating’.

Woman 1: They do?

Woman 2: Listen to this … poly … tetra … fluoro … ethylene.

Woman 1: What’s that then?

Woman 2: Polytetrafluoroethylene.

Woman 1: You’ve been practicing that.

Woman 2: That’s what they do call the black stuff on your frying pan.

Woman 1: How’d you know that then?

Woman 2: I googled it!

Woman 1: You googled it?!

Woman 2: I did!

Woman 1: What made you do a thing like that then?

Woman 2: Well, thing is, I be downsizing … getting a smaller frying pan like.

Woman 1: Your Peggy could do wi’ some ‘o’ that downsizing ‘n’all.


Low fat fairy cake?

(After a pause Woman 2 takes a cake. There is another pause.)

Woman 2: So … I goes on-line and I finds a frying pan that suits my purposes.

Woman 1: Couldn’t you a just popped down Lakelands?

Woman 2: No; I wanted to exercise my rights as a consumer … make a choice like, from the best available.

Woman 1: Why’d you do that, then?

Woman 2: I be a fan of that programme off the telly, that ‘Watchdog’. You watch it?

Woman 1: No.

Woman 2: Oh you should. I learnt all about exercising my rights as a consumer and making a choice from the best available off that ‘Watchdog’.

Woman 1: I always thought it were about pet training.

Woman 2: So … after due deliberation and intensive comparison, I saw this one frying pan that do seem to fit all the criteria; one that were the best value for size, weight and the durability. I read all the reviews, you’m have to do that these days. Everyone does it.

Woman 1: Do they indeed? Fancy that.

Woman 2: So anyway, I read that it had a … ‘non-stick coating’! Well I was curious I don’t mind telling you. What’s a non-stick coating, I says to myself? And is it something I wants to be party to? So that’s when I did the googling; I looked it up on that there Wikipedia. ‘Non-stick is often used to refer to surfaces coated with polytetrafluoroethylene … P.T.F.E.

Woman 1: You learnt that off by heart as well didn’t you?

Woman 2: I likes to expand the horizons of my knowledge and add to my vocabulary whenever possible.

Woman 1: Right.

Woman 2: Have you got one of they computers, then?

Woman 1: Oh yes, I got a computer.

Woman 2: What you got then?

Woman 1: I got a Macbook pro with fourth-generation dual-core and quad-core Intel processors! It’s got that Wi-Fi and Thunderbolt 2.

Woman 2: That that sounds very nice.

Woman 1: They do say it be … ‘state of the art’!

Woman 2: Do they indeed?!

Woman 1: They do.

Woman 2: What’s that mean then?

Woman 1: Don’t rightly know … but I do finds it very good for the porn.

Woman 2: Oh … you use that porn then?!

Woman 1: Well I gotta do somethin’ ent I … what with my Albert passing over and that … thing is … my imagination’s not what it used to be. (Pause. She offers another plate of biscuits.) Ladyfinger?


In Conclusion:

The competition secretary, Jim Livesey, thanked everyone who had entered the competition. It had been a good turnout with 16 entries.

December Competition Winners 2014

The Competition for December was to “Write the first three pages of an opening scene in the style of Shakespeare”. A big welcome was given to Dr Mick Jardine, Head of English, Creative Writing and American Studies at the University of Winchester who very kindly agreed to be the adjudicator.

Mick is no stranger to the Hampshire Writers’ Society. In November 2013, he was the Special Guest when Ross Barber presented her talk “Why is Shakespeare’s Authorship doubted. And does it matter” Therefore, It was fitting that Mick was with us again last night when the main speakers, Professor Stanley Wells and The Rev Dr Paul Edmondson presented “Shakespeare beyond doubt”, a counter to Ross Barber’s argument.

The prize for the winners of December’s competition was a signed copy of “Shakespeare beyond doubt”. And to celebrate the 450th anniversary of Shakespeare’s birth, the winning entry was enacted by the Titchfield Festival Theatre Group.

DEC 14 Winners_1661

Mick’s Adjudication:

1st Prize: Joan Robinson-Harris, Seeking Love Late

“This prose drama, set in an apothecary’s shop, effectively captured the style of Shakespeare; character, plot and setting are economically established, the language has energy and verve and the play has a strong sense of both the theatrical and the dramatic. It invites the audience in and whets the appetite for what is to come.”

Dramatis Personae

Lord Burgoigne Pawley, general to the King.

Sir Cecil Seamin, his lieutenant

Eleanora, the Countess of Rotherford


SCENE- Partly in England and partly in Italy.

Act I

Scene I : An apothecarie’s shop. Enter the Countess veiled.

Countess: This is the shop, matching in every detail Lady Oakhampton’s description. If this apothecarie has a potion I seek, all will be well.

Enter Apothecarie

Apothecarie: Greetings, good madam! What ointment or tincture may this humble apothecarie provide thee?

Countess: My mistress bid me seek a potion recommended to her by my mistresses cousin’s friend, that was effective for my mistresses cousin’s friend’s husband.

Apothecarie: (aside ) Methinks this maid hath too many mistresses, and is no maid at all, but the lady herself. (to the countess)Pray tell me, in what way was this potion efficacious for your mistresses cousin’s friend’s husband?

Countess: (aside) This man is like a needle, he pierces the tapestry and makes his stitch clear. (to Apothecarie) It was a delicate matter, a matrimonial matter, a husband and wife matter.

Apothecarie: Pray, mistress, how does this man make his way in the world, that way I might understand how he presents himself?

Countess: In plain speech, he is a soldier.

Apothecarie: Forsooth, experience teaches me such men are people of direct action, whose sword rusts not in its scabbard?

Countess: Your wit, good sir, does credit to the world that tutors your knowing. A straight forward approach is a courageous path, much lauded on the field of battle, however, domestic life, nay bliss, needs something of the imagination of the poet.

Apothecarie: Ah, I comprehend you quite. The unlocking of the fantasies of the mind requires a potent brew. (Bringing forth a tincture) This tincture, composed chiefly of mushrooms and other wild and delicate roots gathered and assembled by my own hand, must be taken one hour before commencement, the party must forgo all alcohol for twelve hours, else the effects will be too strong, the speech becoming rambling and the movements madlike. Therefore, administer with all good care.

Countess: (Paying) Good apothecarie, I thank you for your pains

(Aside) With careful risk, much happiness may be gained. (Exit)

SCENE II. The same

Enter Lord Pawley and Sir Cecil

Cecil: Good my Lord, here is the very apothecarie’s shop Lord Oakhampton bid us seek out.

Pawley: Cecil, you have been my loyal lieutenant these two decades past, I am glad of your presence now. These matters of the heart are beyond my compass. I’d rather face the raving Berserker hordes than make sweet moves to Countess Eleanora, as every lover does, even though she be my heart’s desire, and our marriage set for two days hence.

Cecil: Courage, my Lord. This apothecarie will have some liquid remedy that will ease your path to wedded communion.

Pawley: Pray god you are right. Lead on.

(Entering in military fashion)

Cecil: Good morrow, Apothecarie. As quartermaster to our needs, we require something of your skills.

Apothecarie: My skills and knowledge are at your Lordships’ service. (Aside) Forsooth, this be the very soldier the maid spoke of, his military bearing distinguishes him as such. (To Pawley and Cecil) What ointment, pill, potion or tincture, may it please your Lordships to command?

Cecil: The general here must confide in you his manly difficulty, which is no difficulty at all but the merest trifle, only this merest trifle weighs somewhat on the generals mind and mars the prospect of his forthcoming nuptials.

Apothecarie: My Lord general, are you able to say, man to man, in strictest confidence, what this trifle is that so disturbs your future satisfaction?

Pawley: I perceive you have much of the intelligencer about you, you hear the words and understand the story that is not stated.

Apothecarie: The general flatters my humble learning.

Pawley: I however am a man of plain speech, and I give you good notice that should you speak one word of our conversation to any living soul, that very moment will mark the end of your apothecarie-ing days. Do you take such orders.

Apothecarie: Your words have a Trapist of me in this business.

Pawley: Then herein lies the problem. I am to marry these two days a lady. Though she be an acknowledged beauty and a lady of great virtue, I cannot fill that husbands part which is to be a lover to his lady. From a youth I was always in barracks and on battlefields and have always conducted myself as a soldier, which fits well for government and the world of men. With the soldiering life one must needs associate with characters of low morals, and women of low morals also. So to be brief, having spent all my time with prostitutes and bawds, I do not know how to make love to a virtuous lady, I would therefore, have you give me some subtle potion to administer to my good lady that, within the secret confines of our bedroom, renders her more loose, and less virtuous, for our mutual enjoyment.

Apothecarie: Your Lordship makes all clear. I have a potion here that must be administered one half hour before use in water, it has the effect of making the person most affectionate in every way. Take care however to always keep the lady in your sight, for should she see another man, she will be affectionate to him, whether he be stranger or no, for one hour.

Cecil: Thanks good apothecarie, I salute you.

Pawley: The battle of the bedchamber must be fought with this

Ere my lady and I are brought to wedded bliss.


2nd Prize: David Lea, First Do No Harm

“This scene is Shakespearean in its powerful sense of drama, exploiting to the full the inherent tension of the courtroom setting and fashioning some memorable lines of blank verse. The play suggests a modern Faustus dilemma and taps into a topic of urgent contemporary significance, what to do with aged bed-blockers (otherwise known as parents and friends).”

A Tragedy


  • CHORUS 1 Female Very elderly, masked.
  • CHORUS 2 Male Very elderly, masked.
  • DR WISE In his fifties.
  • COUNSEL FOR THE (PROS) Middle-aged. Could be
  • PROSECUTION male or female.

Photographs of Dr Wise’s thirteen ‘victims’ are projected onto a back-cloth with their printed obituaries. Nine are already there. As the CHORUS figures read the last four obits, the images of the dead join the others. (Alternatively, given the resources of the R.S.C, thirteen masked old people appear out of the gloom from deep Upstage: the thirteen chorus members are Dr Wise’s ‘victims’.) Dr WISE is Centre Stage, confined and lit by a single spot. The Counsel for the Prosecution (PROS) is able to move about the stage at will. The dialogue is written in blank verse.

CHORUS 1: Rachel Vivienne Colebrook

Died aged 73 years. After a long battle with cancer, she left us peacefully at the end.

A wonderful wife, mother and friend

Donations to Cancer Research

DR WISE: Diamorphine.

CHORUS 2: Victor Charles Stanley Forester

Passed peacefully to his rest aged 89 years

Beloved husband of Margaret and a loving grandfather. Thanks to Winnie and staff at Oakwood and to Dr Wise

DR WISE: Insulin

CHORUS 1: Monica Hilda Easterby

At Oakwood Nursing Home after a short illness aged 78

Mum and Dad are together again at last

Always in our memories – Keith, Sheila, Theo and Jade

DR WISE: Nembutal

CHORUS 2: Eric Leslie Thorogood, “Les”

Will be much missed by family and friends, particularly those in the golfing and racing fraternity.

Donations to Battersea Dogs’ Home

DR WISE: Nembutal

PROS: Dr Wise, your memory is most precise:

The victim and the means of death, the place

The time and the device by which you hid

Your crimes from prying eyes are carried still

In mind so subtle and so cunning that

Thirteen lives have ended at your hand.

But why recall in such particularity

The endgame of the souls you part

From bodies at your will, if not to hold

Them still for later satisfaction and delight,

To examine them at leisure and to take

A future pleasure in the snuffing of the light?

DR WISE: I remember them and what I did because

It is no small thing to be an agent

In another’s death. I do not take it

Lightly now; nor did I then. They live in me

And me in them.

PROS: You speak as though a priest in holy orders:

As though their passing were a sacrament.

And yet we know that you believe in nothing:

In nothing that we recognize as God,

In nothing more than your own earthly power

To wield the tools of Chemistry and Science;

And exercise dominion for yourself.

You are a murderer.

“Thou shalt not kill,”

The bible says: the law of God on which

Our human law now stands.

DR WISE: I had it in my hands

To ease another’s pain when I could see

The ways and means of medicine had so outstripped

Our moral sensibility as to allow

Indignity, and suffering and pain.

Science strives officiously to keep alive

Those who have by far outlived their natural span

And whose life is then a burden to themselves,

To those who love them and to those they love.

PROS: And by what right are you to choose the manner

And the time at which these “burdens” shuffle off

Their mortal coils. You plead “Not Guilty”

To the charge of murder as ‘tis defined:

But you have killed “with malice aforethought,

When in sound mind and good discretion”

Fellow creatures that had not themselves the means

To choose the way that they were heaven-sent.

DR WISE: I have had time to study my predicament

And how it stands in law while waiting for my trial

And shall conduct my own defence. I do admit

That I have killed unlawfully, but still refute

The charge of murder. My “learned friend” will know

Full well the quote to which he now alludes:

“When a person of good memory and discretion

Unlawfully kills any reasonable

Creature with malice aforethought that is murder”: *

Of those that perished by my hand, but three

Could be described as “reasonable”:

They had, long since been stranded and in

Need of constant care to stay alive at all,

Their reason long since lost beyond recall.

PROS: And who appointed you the arbiter

Of life and death, omniscient, divine?

DR WISE: The judgements and the actions were both mine,

Made from compassion, not from malice.

I knew my actions were against the law

I also knew the law was wrong.

I knew that I could face arrest and trial,

As I do now; the vilifying press; the bile

Of common gossip on family and friends,

My reputation’s ruin and a life in jail.

PROS: (To the audience)

And be assured that we shall ask for “life”

And ask for it to mean exactly what it says.

Dr Wise, at least, does have a life.

His patients now have none: no pulse, no breath,

No choice about the manner of their death.

* William Blackstone in his Commentaries on the Laws of England set out the common law definition of murder, which by this definition occurs when a person, of sound memory and discretion, unlawfully kills any reasonable creature in being and under the king’s peace, with malice aforethought, either express or implied.

The rest of the play moves between scenes of the trial and flashbacks, which illustrate the circumstances of some of the deaths. The final death that results in the arrest of Dr Wise is explored in scenes that establish a parallel time-line with those of the trial. The masked chorus figures comment on the action when in mask, but also play other parts in other scenes, unmasked.

The scenes in court are always written in blank verse, as are the lines of the chorus. Flashbacks are written in prose.


Highly Commended: Anne Eckersley, Apologies to Henry and Others

“Written with comic zest, this culinary tour de force is highly entertaining and transports something of the Elizabethan kitchen into the world of Nigella Lawson; an all-round Christmas treat!”


The prizes were signed copies of “Shakespeare Beyond Doubt”, together with a signed Certificate of Adjudication from Dr Mick Jardine.

The competition secretary thanked everyone who had entered the competition, and invited members to enter next month’s competition, which is to write 300 words for a Magazine Article, entitled “A Secret place in Wessex”. Heidi King, editor of View magazine, will be the adjudicator. The winning entry may be featured in the magazine.